The Simple Mind

In the article, "The Inescapable Paris," featured in the October, 2005, issue of Vanity Fair, the concept of "intelligence" is tossed around as glibly as a frisbee. Paris Hilton, the beautiful heiress whose topless, vacant-eyed image graces the magazine's cover, is described as canny, transfixing, and smart. Says Chris Applebaum, director of Hilton's "hot" Carl's, Jr., commercial, "She can sometimes be a little bit of a space cadet, but I have to say, when she focuses she can be incredibly intelligent." Fingering her 24-karat yellow diamond engagement ring during the interview, Hilton demonstrates her obvious brilliance by sniffling, "I like it, but it's yellow, and I'm like, I didn't want yellow for my engagement ring. I just needed something to wear until I get [one I like]." Another outside, very credible source, a paparazzo named Ron Galello, also attests to Hilton's mental acuity. "Paris Hilton is a phenomenon," he says. "She's sexy, smart, gracious and kind..." Which explains, I'm sure, why later in the piece, when her fiance discusses his Greek surname, Kasidokostas, she chimes in: "I can't even pronounce that shit." Then, to ice the cake, the blond Mensa opens her mouth about her infamous sex video: "I used to think it was so bad, but it's like, everyone has sex. I'm sure everyone has filmed a tape..."

I'm sure everyone has, Paris, honey. Now go eat another Godiva. And give one to Tinkerbell.

To be fair, Vanity Fair does strive for some balance. The magazine consults feminists likeThe Beauty Myth author Naomi Wolf, who compares Hilton to "Muzak"and sees her popularity as a sign of our times. "We're in the most aggressively anti-intellectual, anti-literate, anti-middle class discourse," says Wolf. "It's all right. What's the big deal? Doesn't matter if people are killing people in your name. Just go to the mall." The article makes me want to write a terse letter to the editor. But then (like, hello! finally!) Vanity Fair faithfully redeems itself. In the same issue it runs "A Matter of Life and Death," a powerful, poignant, genuinely intelligent piece by the late journalist Marjorie Williams. In fact, you know what? I want to talk about Williams' memoir at length, but to do so here, in this Paris Hilton entry (next to this ridiculous photo of her posh pooch) would profane it. Thus, I'll close here and dedicate a separate, deservedly respectful, post to Williams.

In the meantime, though, I'll leave you with one final tidbit... In the Hilton article, Thomas Tadayon--manufacturer of the Hollywood Prescription, a $29.99 lip-plumping product for which Hilton is spokesperson--observes philosophically: "[Paris] makes a lot of money, and the system doesn't pay out that kind of money to airheads. You don't make millions of dollars as an idiot."Ah, but lest you forget, Mr. Tadayon, this is America.