Messages? Meanings?

Last night I had a dream in which I was looking through a little book. It was old and illustrated with woodcut drawings. On the page I read there was a picture of a fox, followed by this sentence: “When we sleep, it’s to rest, not to outwit metananda (or metanda?).” I woke up and immediately wrote it down, excited that I’d been given some kind of written message in my dream. I knew that a fox can symbolize the archetypical trickster. But I was confused. What was metananda/metanda? I knew that meta means “change,” as in “metamorphosis." But I didn't know the defininition (or if there even was one) of metananda. When I got to work, I looked it up. All I could find was a Harvard-educated Buddhist Monk whose last name is Metananda. So what does it all mean? In the middle of my dream (I’d been dreaming that I was at some kind of camp and was participating in a group game. We were building a train made up of both our bodies and real train cars. I was acting as a connector between two cars.), I somehow ended up with this little book. Its message seemed to be telling me that, even though I’m asleep, I can’t avoid some kind of change/transformation that is taking place. Am I trying to “outwit” (like a fox?) whatever it is? I don't know. Very strange. Fascinating. I wonder what Jung would say.

On my way to work today I heard a song on the radio that stirs me every time I hear it: Toadies’ “Possum Lake.” I find it compelling on several levels. First of all, Todd Lewis’ voice is so sexy; I’m not quite sure how to describe it, but it’s extremely passionate—almost pained. And the lyrics…Ah, the lyrics. It’s about a boy and girl at a lake who go behind a building where he tries to seduce her. “I’m not gonna lie,” he tells her, “I’ll not be a gentleman/Behind the boathouse/I'll show you my dark secret.” And the fact that he weaves in references to Jesus only adds to the seductiveness. Lewis grew up in the Bible Belt, the son of a fundamentalist minister, so his Jesus-laden pleas sizzle with irony. Reminds me of when I was in 5th grade and attending Temple Christian School in Dayton, Ohio. There was a boy in the grade above me who caught my eye. His name was Eddie Markley, and unlike many of the other boys I’d known since infancy, Eddie hadn’t grown up in the church. Instead, his wealthy aunt was paying for him to attend private school. I could tell just by looking at him that he wasn’t quite “one of the crowd.” This made him, in my eyes, the cutest, most interesting boy in school. Eddie noticed me, too. We often stared at each other on the playground or in the lunchroom. Eventually we met because my nephew, who was also in 6th grade at the school, blabbed to Eddie that I liked him. But instead of putting him off or turning him bashful, the revelation emboldened Eddie. He started writing me notes and hanging out with me on the playground. Soon we were meeting behind the church building to kiss. He even kissed me once in front of everyone at a birthday party. I acted shy about our rendezvous and the birthday kiss, but to be honest, I was intoxicated by Eddie and our youthful displays of affection. I was, for the most part, a “good girl;” I wanted to follow the rules. Still, I also wanted to taste the allure of taboo. Perhaps this is why Todd Lewis and his songs appeal to me: He’s like the clean-cut Baptist boys who walk around filled with desires. If you look carefully enough, you can glimpse a carnal amber flicker in their eyes. Growing up, I found these boys irresistible. I guess I’ve always been attracted to slightly blemished sheep—to those who aren't afraid to be ungentlemanly now and then.

On a totally different note (I think)…After the Toadies song, the next song that came on was Tori Amos’ “Sleeps With Butterflies,” another song that has special meaning to me. Here are the lyrics:

Airplanes
Take you away again
Are you flying
Above where we live
Then I look up a glare in my eyes
Are you having regrets about last night
I'm not but I like rivers that rush in
So then I dove in
Is there trouble ahead
For you the acrobat
I won't push you unless you have a net
You say the word
You know I will find you
Or if you need some time
I don't mind
I don't hold on
To the tail of your kite
I'm not like the girls that you've known
But I believe I'm worth coming home to
Kiss away night
This girl only sleeps with butterflies
With butterflies
So go on and fly then boy

Balloons
Look good from on the ground
I fear with pins and needles around
We may fall then stumble
Upon a carousel
It could take us anywhere
I'm not like the girls that you've known
But I believe I'm worth coming home to
Kiss away night
This girl only sleeps with butterflies
With butterflies
With butterflies
So go on and fly boy

Sadly, this song makes me aware of the fact that, while I do like rivers that rush in, I also tend to be an "attacher."I wouldn't be a good Buddhist because I tend to fasten myself to things—people and ideals. I wish I were better at setting things free, keeping my hands/heart off kite strings. I wish I were better at agape. Agape loves no matter what. And it doesn't lead to death--unlike another kind of love. Sigh...I want to learn to do the selfless thing: sleep with a butterfly.

Three messages received in the first hour of my day...Hmmm...Maybe these little meanings flit into our lives to remind us that we're alive rather than dead, that we're here, walking this earth, living this life. This (is) life.